I left her alone.
Sometimes, I yearn for my waking coma. I yearn for the oblivion of the grey in which I survived but did not live. Only my Mate, my beautiful Rora, could bring me back. Back to life. But then minutes later, she was taken away again.
Knowing what I know now, I can’t bring myself to regret it all. I know that circumstances protected the fate of our children.
But I can’t accept that I left her alone. The second she left I was body slammed with the memories from twenty years ago. I felt her anguish when she no longer felt me. I felt her panic as she searched Rowan Cottage for me. I felt her fear as she faced the world alone, pregnant with our children.
Didn’t she understand she was everything to me? Didn’t she understand that I died a little more each day we were forced to be apart? Didn’t she know how much I loved her?
The Queen believes in winning the crown she has finally broken me. But what she doesn’t understand is that without my Mate I was broken already.
At times, I am filled with such a violent determination to change history. As ruler of Sensio, I command armies. My every wish, however trivial, is obeyed without question. Now, the only thing in the world I want, to follow my initial gut feeling, to change the past, I cannot do.
So, to survive, I dream of her. I dream of the life we could have had together.
I dream of waking up and feeling her body next to mine. I dream of holding her and our unborn children in my arms and kissing her awake. I dream of seeing her sleepy smile as she opens her eyes to a new day and looks upon me. Trusting me, knowing I will never leave her.
I can’t forget our last meeting. How we held each other at the door of Rowan Cottage and lingered in our kisses before time stole me away. I turned back and saw her watching me ride away and a compulsion so fierce urged me not to leave her. But, my upbringing, my obligations made me march back to my life of responsibility.
This memory haunts me most.
Rora’s gaze, so trusting and filled with love, watching me leave. The second when I wavered. But I didn’t take the chance when I had it; to grab my Mate and live the life I was meant to. Before it was too late, before another man took her away from me.
So, I dream of my Mate and I love our children.
I survive without her but I do not live.
“Yearning for a life I almost forgot,
Without her, my lifeblood, stolen and stopped,
The stature, a weight on my soul,
Our children, the salvation of us all”